I
felt
that
if
I
could
just
stay
near
you
and
feel
that
depth
that
opened
inside
of
me,
there
was
nothing
more
I
would
ever
want
or
need.
Just
to
get
up
to
eat
or
go
to
the
bathroom
was
so
painful
for
me,
to
be
away
from
you
even
for
a
few
moments.
Yet
sometimes
I
couldn't
stand
the
closeness
it
was
too
much
and
you
sensed
this
(as you knew
everything I
was feeling)
and
would
send
me
off
to
the
ATM machine
to
get
you
some
money
and
I'd
walk
so
fast
out
of
the
room
afraid
you
might
call
me
back
if
I
lingered
and
then
I
felt
the
freedom
the
release
from
your
pressure --
incredible
pressure --
as
I
went
down
the
elevator --
always
that
pressure for me
to
let
go
even
in
the
midst
of
those
most
blissful
moments
when
you
were
quiet
or when you
were
erupting
or
scolding
or
mocking
or
teasing
and then
watching
you
hammer
at
some
poor
soul
who
just
walked
in
the
door
so
thankful
it
wasn't
me
then
my
turn
would
inevitably
come
and
seeing
the
pity
and
relief
in
the
others'
faces
so
glad
it
wasn't
them
being
blasted.
You
would
scream
at
me:
"You
think
this
is
anger?
Don't
call
it
anger.
You
don't
know
what
anger
is."
You
would
rage
at
me
with
fury
and
energy
so
overwhelming
and
ferocious
I
couldn't
ward
it
off.
The
stark
pain
and
fear
searing
my
insides.
Your
attacks
your
verbal
onslaughts
would
hurt
me
so
badly
wound
me
so
deeply
I
thought
I
would
never
recover
but
I
always
seemed
to
bounce
back
from
your
destruction
and
perhaps
I
was
even
stronger
as
a
result
though
always
more
vulnerable
and
somehow
more
fragile.
Yet
no
matter
how
horrible
you
were
(and you were horrible)
how
irrational --
there
was
always
this
incredible
kindness
gentleness
underneath
the
surface
that
I
could
never
doubt
or
distrust.
God
only
knows
your
motives
for
treating
us
so
badly
at
times
and
at
others
showering
us
with
such
love
and
affection
beyond
bearing
praising
ridiculing
affirming
and
denying
helping
and
getting
in
the
way
blocking
all
of
our
escapes
making
us
drown
in
fear
or
wallow
in
love
and
gratitude:
was
this
a
teaching
of
some
sort
and
could
any
of
us
really
learn
the
lesson?