If
I
could
do
it
over
again
what
would
I
change
and
would
that
really
make
it
any
different.
If
inside
myself
it's
the
same
what
difference
would
other
choices
make.
If
I
had
known
U.G.
for
30
or
40
years
instead
of
21
would
that
really
have
mattered
so
much.
Does
longevity
really
make
a
difference?
Those
years
of
agony/ecstasy
did
they
matter
so
much
the
grueling
drives
the
horrendous
blastings
the
incredible
peace
and
silences
the
joy/hysterical laughter
overwhelming
excitement
the
dreadful
fear
all
the
sicknesses
the
tears
the
gratitude
the
forgiveness
the
merging
the
release
the
hopes
of
getting
better
making
progress
the
terror
of
the
money
spent
the
debt
the
relief
when
the
debt time
was
over.
The
horrible
entanglements
with
the
friends
of
U.G.
the
few
good
connections
now
none
of
them
even
the
worst
or
best
seem
to
matter
at
all
not
at
all.
The
comings
and
goings
the
wild
trips
the
not
self
of
myself
coming
into
awareness
the
horrible
plane
rides
in
the
cramped
seats
the
heart
infection
that
almost
killed
me
but
for
U.G.
but
for
Susan.
The
times
I
could
have
surrendered
more
but
couldn't --
the
layers
upon
layers
of
illusions
self deceptions
the
arrogance
of
feeling
superior
so
much
spiritual
pride
that
I
was
connected
to
the
enlightened
man
and
he
knew
me
knew
who
I
was
through
and
through
nothing
left
to
hide
except
the
small
deceptions
cashews
in
the
car
candy
in
the
kitchen
surreptitious
sneakiness
couldn't
let
go
of
that
last
shred
of
self --
That's
the
question
after
all
these
years
the
sacrifices
the
losses
(and gains),
is
there
anything
different?
Am
I
when
all
is
said
and
done
still
the
same
me
as
I
was
and
will
it
always
be
so?
I
feel
I'll
burst
out
of
my skin
and
then
I
don't.
Body
older
now
parts
gradually
wearing-out
until
final
disintegration
melt
into
the
earth
absorbed.